I'm going to rape someone's good day.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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