Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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