I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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