He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
