i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
