all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
