I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
