i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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