so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
