I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
did i walk over a car last night?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
