This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
