five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
