Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
