the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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