When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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