i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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