So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
