Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
