dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
