Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Found your dick twin last night
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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