Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He shit in the fireplace
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
