every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
