I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Randomize
