we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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