I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
