i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
