Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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