Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
