My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
