Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Ladies don't puke and tell
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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