just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
