Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
