Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
