I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
