I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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