i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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