Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
