Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
