i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
jump out the window naked night went bad
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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