I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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