I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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