I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
