i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I need to stop coming to work sober
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
