I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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