I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
