I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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