i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
