If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
