i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I think my fart just growled at me.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
