I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
